Today it donned on me that I needed to update everyone on my progress since May 19th. I had my 6th craniotomy just 10 days ago. It seems like just yesterday in some ways, and in others it feels like its already been months. I would say generally I am healing faster than I would expect, and in other ways I am still in quite a bit of pain.
I am still experiencing a considerable amount of swelling, and pain. When I wake up each day my left eye is very swollen. Since I don't take pain medicine all night, my first feeling when waking up is sharp, severe pain. I hurry and get medicine in my system, and start ice-ing my head. I am surprised by the incision, and how it is looking. I got my staples out on Friday, and it already feels better, and is healing quicker. I am surprised how much pain I am still in, even in weird places. My head as whole hurts, and feels different. This time they cut into the jaw part of my skull; and it hurts pretty bad to open my mouth. I am also having a ton of pain in my leg; where they took the fat graph to use to patch the sinus....
I still have a pretty good limp, and am just trying to allow myself to heal, and to take every thing as slowly as I can. I thought this whole surgery would be easier, since I had done it 5 times before, but in all seriousness this whole process has been the hardest by far...even coming out of surgery I was in unbelievable pain. Quite honestly I don't think I would have done it if my friends weren't there. MAJOR thank you to two beautiful ladies Brooke Dayley and Gretchen Myler, who both stayed with me for hours after surgery, and both drove up from Idaho just to be with me. My mom also came and dedicated several hours with me, and it made me feel surrounded by love in one of the hardest moments of my life. I love you guys, and don't think I could ever repay the love you have shown me.... Also Kayla Adams, my good friend who has been by my side every single surgery. She has chosen to love and stand by me, and even drove me home with just a little notice. She will never know what her friendship has meant to me!
THE BIG QUESTION....Am I still leaking CSF? I don't have an answer really, as it takes a few weeks usually to get normal surgical swelling and fluids gone before I truly know if the surgery was successful. I am hopeful, but not allowing myself to get too excited. I promise to keep you posted!
I just spent the last several minutes trying to put into actual thoughts, and words how I feel, and how I am today. Truthfully, and without exaggeration I can say that the last month has been the hardest of my entire life. I have experienced pain in the last several days that I never knew was possible. I am grateful for it in some ways, because it has allowed me to be open, and real with myself. I truly believe pain can make us better, more refined human beings. I am trying to allow my pain to make me the man God needs me to be. Pain comes in all ways, and truthfully emotional pain is far more painful than any physical pain I have ever experienced.
As I look back at the last few years, even further than fighting this CSF leak the last two years...I can see where God has really given me opportunities to learn. I have to believe that there is something incredible ahead of me...and if I allow myself to change, I can be an even better human being, father, friend, son, and inspire many people around me to be better in the face of their trials. One day I want to elaborate on something that happened to me when I had to decide what surgery I was going to do....when I was faced with the possibility of death, or being a vegetable, or not doing surgery I thought to myself about all we have accomplished through HARD THINGS; and I got brave and made my hard decisions....
WE CAN DO HARD THINGS! But, thats not it....we can also LEARN and INSPIRE though those hard things. We have the ability to change and inspire those around us! Look at this movement. I simply share my scary moments, and am as vulnerable with Facebook as I am with my family....and we have inspired many many people to overcome their scary moment. Steve Jobs said "The people who are CRAZY enough to think they can change the world; are the ones who ACTUALLY change the world" and we can...we can make changes for the positive.
I am scared of the future. I have nightmares every night about my medical debt. I have nightmares about my funeral. I lose sleep about the future, about my health. I am scared that I have given nearly all I have to live, and now I am to a point where I don't want to fight it anymore. I don't think I can do another surgery. I don't think I will fight this CSF leak if it wasnt fixed this surgery. I don't think I want to fight for people who won't fight for me anymore. I have spent my whole life wanting my Dad to want me, and have literally done everything I can to earn his respect, and now I just don't care anymore. I know my worth. I am good enough, and if someone chooses not to see my worth, that is their loss.
Maybe thats what God wanted from me all along; just to be ok with the things that I can't control, and focus more on the things that I can control. I know that the last paragraph sounds sad, and depressing...but its not. It is actually a great place for me to be, and I am proud to say I am here. I can see a great future, or a bumpy road ahead. The choice is mine...and I want to remain close to God, and the positive things this world has to offer....
That being said, the biggest weight of mine is financial. I have $79,000 in debt that I can not pay. I will work for the rest of my life to try to pay it...and hope and pray that a path opens to help me take care of those obligations. Because I didn't fight this hard to survive, only to feel trapped by the weight of money.
I hope you can appreciate my openness, and find a way to be open with your struggles. Its ok to be real, and its ok to struggle. We all have battles we fight...its how we fight them that determines who we really are....I wrote this in the middle of the night while having quite a bit of pain, and on several medications....dont judge me for spelling errors, and grammar issues, Please!
God Bless You! Thank you in advance for your support! I would love to know your feedback; please comment!
