I am tired....

Happy Wednesday!

I have been thinking and really feeling something the last few months. Its something that I haven't really wanted to admit, or give too much of my attention to, because I learned a long time ago to ignore my problems, and try to press on...but at this stage in my life, I am learning that isn't the smart, or even the healthy thing to do anymore. Thankfully I have learned that lesson...as it has made my life easier...

The feeling is simple, and yet profound. I am tired. Thats it...that is the major thought that is controlling my mind. Its holding me back, and limiting me from being in my happy place...

I am tired? Yes. I am tired of a lot of things. I am tried of begin sick. I am tired of feeling alone. I am tired of having to try so hard to have a normal day. I am tired of being scared of the future. I am tired of fighting so hard to have people near me. I am tired of fighting to have a family near me. I am tired of feeling inadequate. I am tired of feeling like I should doubt my heart. I am tired of having to be so strong. I am tried of having to ask people to pay attention to my needs. I am tired of watching my mother suffer, and not getting the help she deserves. I am tired of feeling like my Dad is just a guy that never wanted me to be in his life. I am tried of feeling like I am not living up to the standard I should be with my kids. I am tired of having to be the bigger person. I am tired of being afraid to show certain parts of who I am. I am tired of loving others so hard, when I feel so much of the returned love is conditional.

Obviously not all of those make sense. I know some of them are just silly as well; but it goes to the point where I feel like I have had to fight so hard to be alive, and well this last year, that I just feel exhausted. I realize that I have come so far from this trial, and other trails that I quietly face, and to that end I am extremely grateful, but I am ready for a break. I feel like I need that I need something to come into my life that wants to be here, that chooses my whole heartedly, and who is willing to be next to me as I go through the storms that life plans to sent to me. I think that is another reason I feel like I do...I have had a lot of support this last 18 months, but I haven't been able to let down my walls and fully rely on someone to be there when I need them. Some of that is my fault, and my fears to let them down, and the others are that there just hasn't been someone who could fill in that role, and fully become all that I have needed them to be.

I will continue in spite of begin tired though. Even if I have to slow way down, and even take the smallest of baby steps each day, I will do that. I am just saying that my hope is that God has a plan that will allow me to go through the remainder of my trial, and have the ability to fully let someone in to be there, and choose me to the extent that I won't have to worry about whether or not I will be alone...

As always these are just my chaotic thoughts through my crazy life, especially today as I set up my next Neurosurgery appointment today, and fear what 2017 will bring. I am begin open and vulnerable with my real thoughts in the hopes that it helps you steer through this life a little more clearly, and realize that you are not alone in your struggles...

We can do hard things. I am proof of that, and so are you!

Goodnight!

The More REAL I Get...

As we are preparing for Christmas in our home...we have been extremely busy. I have been trying to overcome my new found short term memory struggles, and as such I feel like I am running around in circles. I believe that we all go through cycles in this life when we are trying to overcome a new trial, or a new change. At times we find ourselves in the area of struggle, or uncomfort. It has been the new normal for me as this last 18 months has played out...as each stage of my sickness has manifested itself, I have had to adjust, and at times the level of discomfort has been hard to deal, but we always find a way don't we? We may have to dig deep, and push to lengths that would try the strongest among us, but still find a way.

I may be the only one in the world that does this...but I have found myself finally getting in a quiet moment, and just literally breaking down. The chaos of life is at times brain melting isn't it? In a senerio when you are fighting for your life, or the basic principles of life, it becomes nearly impossible for anyone to understand, and yet we still find a way. We still don't allow ourselves to completely give up.

Since my first onset of sickness, to today, I increasingly get to a point when I am finally in a quiet safe place, I break down. I allow myself to show my truest emotions, and often cry. I allow all the walls of strength, or pride, to come crashing down, and tears fall! Normally I would run from that, or quickly wipe them away...but in these moments I have found that the more real I get with myself, the better I feel. I also allow myself to pray, out loud! I have a deep and open conversation with God! What a blessing it is to be able to be frank, and honest with such a man. I express my frustration and my anger that HE is allowing me to go through this, and then after it is all done, I re commit my relationship to him, and re build those walls that need to be standing to live a normal life. Some may read that, and think wow Dusty, your a wreak, or a weak man, or that I might need to rush to my nearest psychologist. But it is in THAT very thought that I believe contributes to depression, and the strong level of unhappiness that I see all around me in this life. LIFE is HARD. It is UNFAIR, and IT IS OK to be sad, and frustrated. It is ok to cry, and it is very much so ok to let it out, as long as afterward you can recommit your goals, and get to a place where you can keep pushing. 

It is IN THIS process that I have found gets me to my highest level of happiness in this life. I have to be ok with who I am. I am different, and that is a blessing! We aren't all supposed to be the same, look the same, and have the same reactions in this journey we call life....

My journey is different. It has been different from the day I was born, and will continue to be through out the rest of my journey. My goal is to make it balance out, and to be able to use my differences aka strengths to help those around me. To be a light, instead of the guy who rushes past you, and flips you off because you cut him off on the interstate. I have a long, long way to go....but I am going to get there. Even if it takes the rest of my life!

To the future my friends....

Dad Your Breath Stinks!!!

Today was a good day.

The last few weeks, there has been one thing thats been consistent. I have felt like I have been swirling in the land of disappointment, and frustration. I have bounced around from feeling ok, to being really frustrated. Logically I know that its just me trying to adjust to this new life. It is also me just trying to be ok with the circumstances I find myself in...but it isn't always easy to think logically.

But today was good because I kept positive. I kept my eye on the prize; aka being better. There were plenty of things that could have frustrated me, and pushed me over to the "agitated" side, but today I won, and it felt good. I think this life is about building a foundation of "good" bricks. When we all face a bad day, we learn to build around that, and keep building toward the places we want. Not all of us are able to do that though, certainly not everyone even cares. I do though, and want to be my best self at all times, mostly because I have two little dudes who depend on me to be that best self. I know that when I am able to be that person, their lives will be better.

I have them sleeping in the room next to mine. Tonight we watched Santa Clause with Tim Allen, and it is fun to watch it with them, as I can clearly remember being that young, and loving the magic of that show, and mostly the belief in Christmas. As we cuddled on the couch, yes we cuddle, and by cuddle I mean them laying next to me with their legs intertwined around me. They have to be touching me, and I love to have them near. I know these guys have been mine for much longer than this short life we live... But as we watched the movie Rustin leaned into me and said, Dad your breath stinks...I laughed so so hard! I can't smell anything, so I was embarrassed and had no idea. We both laughed, and I quickly brushed my teeth!

While going to get them in Logan, I finally stopped at my "spot" to get a picture. 18 months ago my life was changed in this very spot...and I am glad I am able to feel as good as I do today. Rustin also told me that he remembers when I got sick, and that he was being loud, and I snapped at him because he was hurting my head...when we talked about that tonight, I was feeling sad that he remembers my sickness so vividly, and I am sad that he remembers he made my head hurt more...I made sure he knew that it wasn't him that made me sick, and I took the opportunity to make sure he knew that I was sorry for snapping at him. I held him close, and told him how much I loved him. I never, ever had that from my father...I can't ever remember feeling loved and wanted by him, and it is clear to me that both of my kids need that from me. I haven't been able to do that in the ways I have wanted to in the last 18 months of being sick, but the beauty of life is that we get opportunities every single day to make the changes we need to make, and I am going to give all I have to make sure the little men I get to raise know they are loved, and that I will always stand beside them and be there...

Thank you for reading my ramblings...I hope it all makes sense. I never go back and read, or change because I want this to be real, and raw....until next time! Dusty