Happy Thanksgiving!
Last night I couldn't sleep. In fact I had more nightmares; and they were pretty intense. It seems thats a new normal for me, at least for now. I believe it is because of the 12 surgeries over the last 18 months, and the damage it has caused to my body. Even just the amount of medication that I have been under would cause damage, and I think as it cleans out of my system, I will be having these symptoms. Its a small price to pay to be alive, and I am going to truck through it with as positive of an attitude as I can....
But because I didnt sleep last night, I have been fighting a massive migraine all day. Its another new normal for me, but this one is a little harder to fight. I am grateful that it came on a day off, so I don't have to miss work. I had to miss Thanksgiving Dinner today, because if I got out of bed, I would have been in the bathroom, throwing up.
As I finally felt good enough to get out of bed, I found myself feeling sorry for myself. When I get into that mode, it is a slippery slope, and suddenly I am reliving the whole trial again. Suddenly I am sad about the things I have lost in the last 18 months. I am sad about where I am currently, and how hard I am having to push myself just to live a normal life. Thankfully after a little bit of sad song-ing it, I find my bearings....
I honestly believe I am where I am at, alive, and as healthy as I am blessed to be, because of my positive attitude. There as been a big monster, that has tried to take my life, and so far, I have fought back, and won! So I push myself to get back to that place in every way, as quickly as I can. But tonight as I finally got to that "whole" place, I realized something, and then as I was looking at memes, I noticed a theme...
What do I want? Where do I want to be? What do I need to do to get there? What do I need to change to put me in line with the things I want?
I think in order to reach the placed we aspire to, we must be able to answer these....
--Dusty
Thursday, November 24, 2016
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Out of Sight; Out of Mind...
Well today marks the 22nd day after my 5th craniotomy. My forehead is now mostly normal, and I am feeling better everyday, at least physically. I have been sleeping better, and have just a minimal headache most of the time. My implant that was placed in my #holeintheskull is pretty noticeable as the swelling has gone down, but I am hoping that will fade as time goes on. Honestly I didnt expect to feel as good this quickly, again physically speaking. My hope is that as I push myself, I will continue to quickly improve, and be able to stay away from the hospital, and from surgery for a very long time.
Emotionally, it is a different story. I feel like I am in a fog, a dense fog that is hard to navigate at times. Partly because I think I just disconnected emotionally this last year, just to survive. I think we as humans are given the ability to do that, out of survival. While I think that not only led to my positivity, and being able to inspire others, it also led to my survival. Yet, the things that NEED to be processed are still waiting for me to honestly address them. The thought of doing so is terrifying, because I can feel in my soul that its a BIG thing that has happened to me, and I am afraid processing them emotionally will change me even further that I have already changed.
In the last 22 days, I have gradually pushed myself. I have been working, and loving it by the way. I am able to go out, and be the Dusty that I have always wanted to be. I am trying to be the guy who loves deeply, and works harder than anyone of my peers. The guy who tries to leave every person better than found them, and hopefully leaves a lasting mark, to spare those I meet from the pains I have experienced in my short life...I now work at Costco, and am back at 100myFM on the weekdays. I have been able to set myself apart in each venture, and have received praise for being extraordinary. Good seeds have been planted, and I will continue to push myself in these areas to be successful, and hopefully dig myself out of the hole that is left now that I am on this side of an 18 month/12 surgery battle.
But as I get into a quiet moment, and when I am finally alone, I feel a piece of my heart aching. It is aching for love, and respect. It is aching for the praise that comes from people that truly love you. I am wanting now more than ever to know that the people that are in my life, are truly there, and that they want to be here, with me. I am hoping that the people that I have chosen to be in my life, are seeing me, and loving me, as I love them. I feel like I have always been the one to love deeper, and to be stronger. I have been the one to hold on when others get weak, and to ignore my own needs, when they need to take care of themselves.
I am trying to let things go that have held me back. I am wanting to change the cycle that I have been living in for so long. My family, well I guess I should say people that should be my family haven't been there for me in this last 18 months like I have wanted. I have had to rely on a few people who have been there for me, some more than others. But as I look back at my life, there hasn't ever really been a great deal of support for me, from my parents, or even grandparents. I have always justified it, and tried as hard as I could to be the bigger person. to suck it up if you will, and to keep loving them, and being there for them, like I always wanted someone there for me, because it was the "right" thing to do...and because my conscience wouldn't allow me to be anything less...I have always felt as if the people that "love" me, they do it with reservations.
The saying "Out of SIGHT; OUT of MIND" has been popping up in my mind lately. I truly feel like as soon as I am not around, people that should love me, forget about me, and then just take care of their own needs. It is something that I am learning to deal with, and I am learning to be ok with pushing myself, and loving myself. I just so badly want to be loved, and respected, in the same ways I love, and respect. As I look around at this present moment, I don't feel that from the people that I would hope to feel it from, and in fact I feel now more than ever that the love that is given, can be taken away, or forgotten about when it isn't convenient anymore, and that is one of the most frightening things that I have ever dealt with....
I am 31 years old, and feel a huge hole in my life. There is only one thing that makes it all fall into place for me, and one thing that rights the wrongs in my mind, and that is when I am being open, and vulnerable, and helping people who find themselves in a similar situation as me. I don't know what the future holds, in many areas, but I do know that is what I want to continue.
Being KIND to ONE another is truly more than just a motto, I want it to be my way of life.....
Just some thoughts from a man who finds himself on the other side of a life changing trial. and one who just wants to make a difference in the world, and to change the course of my life, and to reach a place of happiness, and peace....
Dusty
Emotionally, it is a different story. I feel like I am in a fog, a dense fog that is hard to navigate at times. Partly because I think I just disconnected emotionally this last year, just to survive. I think we as humans are given the ability to do that, out of survival. While I think that not only led to my positivity, and being able to inspire others, it also led to my survival. Yet, the things that NEED to be processed are still waiting for me to honestly address them. The thought of doing so is terrifying, because I can feel in my soul that its a BIG thing that has happened to me, and I am afraid processing them emotionally will change me even further that I have already changed.
In the last 22 days, I have gradually pushed myself. I have been working, and loving it by the way. I am able to go out, and be the Dusty that I have always wanted to be. I am trying to be the guy who loves deeply, and works harder than anyone of my peers. The guy who tries to leave every person better than found them, and hopefully leaves a lasting mark, to spare those I meet from the pains I have experienced in my short life...I now work at Costco, and am back at 100myFM on the weekdays. I have been able to set myself apart in each venture, and have received praise for being extraordinary. Good seeds have been planted, and I will continue to push myself in these areas to be successful, and hopefully dig myself out of the hole that is left now that I am on this side of an 18 month/12 surgery battle.
But as I get into a quiet moment, and when I am finally alone, I feel a piece of my heart aching. It is aching for love, and respect. It is aching for the praise that comes from people that truly love you. I am wanting now more than ever to know that the people that are in my life, are truly there, and that they want to be here, with me. I am hoping that the people that I have chosen to be in my life, are seeing me, and loving me, as I love them. I feel like I have always been the one to love deeper, and to be stronger. I have been the one to hold on when others get weak, and to ignore my own needs, when they need to take care of themselves.
I am trying to let things go that have held me back. I am wanting to change the cycle that I have been living in for so long. My family, well I guess I should say people that should be my family haven't been there for me in this last 18 months like I have wanted. I have had to rely on a few people who have been there for me, some more than others. But as I look back at my life, there hasn't ever really been a great deal of support for me, from my parents, or even grandparents. I have always justified it, and tried as hard as I could to be the bigger person. to suck it up if you will, and to keep loving them, and being there for them, like I always wanted someone there for me, because it was the "right" thing to do...and because my conscience wouldn't allow me to be anything less...I have always felt as if the people that "love" me, they do it with reservations.
The saying "Out of SIGHT; OUT of MIND" has been popping up in my mind lately. I truly feel like as soon as I am not around, people that should love me, forget about me, and then just take care of their own needs. It is something that I am learning to deal with, and I am learning to be ok with pushing myself, and loving myself. I just so badly want to be loved, and respected, in the same ways I love, and respect. As I look around at this present moment, I don't feel that from the people that I would hope to feel it from, and in fact I feel now more than ever that the love that is given, can be taken away, or forgotten about when it isn't convenient anymore, and that is one of the most frightening things that I have ever dealt with....
I am 31 years old, and feel a huge hole in my life. There is only one thing that makes it all fall into place for me, and one thing that rights the wrongs in my mind, and that is when I am being open, and vulnerable, and helping people who find themselves in a similar situation as me. I don't know what the future holds, in many areas, but I do know that is what I want to continue.
Being KIND to ONE another is truly more than just a motto, I want it to be my way of life.....
Just some thoughts from a man who finds himself on the other side of a life changing trial. and one who just wants to make a difference in the world, and to change the course of my life, and to reach a place of happiness, and peace....
Dusty
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