Video Update - December 12, 2015

Love you all!

Dusty

Truth. Honesty. Integrity

Truth. Honesty. Integrity.

Words that are more than words. They are qualities that seem to have been lost in our generation. It seems everyone is just out to 'look' the best they can! The story you tell in word, and in action in our lives seems more and more to be a facade. Its easy to go and buy a new car, new shiny clothes, and fancy makeup to make you feel better about who you are, but I don't think it means a whole lot honestly.

Actions speak louder than words. You ever heard that saying before? I would like to take it a step further. Who you are when no one is watching, and the REAL truths that make up who you are are the things that matter in this life! THOSE things are the real defining characteristics that make up your happiness level. You can lie to yourself, and to those around you all you want. In the end it will only equal more unhappiness, and more discontent with yourself, and that will not lead to anything positive, I assure you.

I have been a part of this wave of trying to fit it, and look at my shiny new iPhone. I have also realized that they are a distraction from the real things that are going on. I am tired of seeing people around me tell me what they think I want to hear. I am tired of trying to figure out if someone is lying to me. Just be honest, tell me the truth, and if that happens, I will be more than happy to be completely open with you in return.

My main goal at this moment in my life, after being changed so much by this #csfleak, is to be honest, faithful, and true; ALWAYS! That isn't easy, but I am deeply committed to it, because I know from experience that it equals the highest level of happiness in my life. I am also going to be less, and less welcoming to those people around me who aren't being that, to me, and in their own life.

Just some things that are on my mind this night! I hope you agree. We nee more Truth, Honesty, and Integrity in our world.

Know your insecurities...and BEE strong!

Today has been quite a day. As I woke up I could feel it, physically today was going to be challenging. It was one of the worse days I have had in months. Sometimes it effects just my head, like headaches, and pressure that are hard to control, but go away as quick as I lay down. Today though my vision was quite blurry, and my whole body ached. Its hard I think because I expect so much of myself, and I always have. It is in some ways why I made it out of my childhood as good off as I did. Its hard too because I know people around me expect a lot out of me too, and that adds a lot of pressure, again mostly my own fault. I will learn to deal with this, as I am learning to deal with so much change in my life. I do know that when this trial is behind me, I will come out the other end a much better human being.

This message has been on my mind a little bit tonight as I have thought about my life, and the issues that surround it. I do really agree with this quote. I think though if I am being open and honest with myself one of the biggest things that hold me back is my fear that nobody around me truly loves me the way that I love them. I come from a broken home, in every letter of the word. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was young. I wont go into too much detail but I didnt really get the love that I think a child should have, it was always about what they needed, and where they needed it. I babysat, and helped to raise my younger siblings, and didnt ever really feel like my Mom was there. With my Dad, it was never enough. The two times per year that I saw him, and he made sure everyone around me knew I wasn't planned, and he didn't want kids. My life is much better now, and my relationship with my parents is better. I use those experiences as fuel, and I know without any question I will be a better parent. Really that is the goal in this life I think. To give your offspring a better life than you had. While there are things that I wished were different with my family situation, I know that especially my mom worked really hard to make my life better than her youth, and for that I will always be grateful, and those are the memories I choose to remember! 

I mention these things because it's so important to be real about your past, and your insecurities that hold you back. You need to know them better than you know anything. Knowing mine makes me grateful for the things I DO have, and the people that ARE in my life. We can't fix our life's issues in one swipe. They can be only changed one issue, and ine step at a time. 

If you don't already; please be open at least to yourself about your insecurities. 

The BEE Update

I get a lot of questions as to what my current health status is...and because I'm trying my hardest to live a normal life in spite of it being hard, I don't like thinking about it. 

So because it means a lot that you care enough to ask, and me trying to be as open as possible for the goal of helping someone through this I will update on this blog! 

We're now almost 8 months into this journey. I could say with certainty that I am having a harder time now, then ever before. Headaches are a constant thing. Fluid leak is dripping down my throat all day, but it is worse at times. I walked into a resturaunt the other day and my hands were full of fluid. It's embarrassing, and then stuffing tissue up my nose is quite noticeable. But I think that it's an opportunity to teach, and show people about my "BEE Happy Movement" and hopefully leave them better off, so I justify the embarrassment for that opportunity. 

I hate pain pills. Always have, and now I am literally in them every day! I wake up in the morning feeling quite normal, then by afternoon it's taking all I have to keep going, by 7:00 I'm having to take a pill. They give me an opportunity to get ahead of the mental game. 

Most of my day is mental. Can I keep going? I force myself to push on...while that is very heavy, it is the only way I am not in bed all day. 

Surgery will hopefully be this year. Brain surgery is what I am leaning towards. The thought terrifies me though. I pray that by the time that comes, I will be prepared emotionally. 

The biggest lesson I have learned in the last 8 months is that I am the most happy when I am helping someone else, helping them feel happy inside. There is so much power in having your heart and soul happy and strong. If more people helped each other, and truly cared about the people they see struggling, this would would change for the better nearly immediately. The Bee Happy Award starts in January, where we will award people in our community for being above reproach, and for being happy inspire of trials! I get to see many of these awesome people, it's time we show the world there is ALOT to BEE Happy about...I hope I can make a difference to at least one person.  

*I wrote this on my phone. Please forgive spelling errors, and punctuation. 

Be Thankful, and KNOW the changes you need to make...

As Thanksgiving has come and gone, it has given me a moment to reflect on the things I have in my life to be grateful for, and I have also been in thought about the things I want to be different in my life. 

I believe it's extremely healthy to know both the good, and the not as perfect things that surround your life. In order to achieve a space in your life where you are happy, you must be progressing. 

I have made a lot of changes in 2015. Some have been forced upon me. Some have come from being sick, and knowing what it's like to dream of a normal day, and others have been shaped because of relationships I am in, and people that I know. It's been the hardest year of my life, but I am better for it! 

I still have a long road. I am not where I want to be. There are many things as I sit here writing this that I want different. More than I can even say here...but I know them, and will do all I can to make the changes I need to make! 

We can change our own lives, our own future; I know it is true. It starts with BEEing Happy, and BEEing Positive. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life! 

Choosing to Bee Happy

I had a lot to be grateful for this weekend!! These dudes are some of the coolest I've ever known; and they're stuck with me....

I've lost more hair. I actually walked out of the store today because someone kept asking me questions about my bald spots. It may seem vain; but this has been one of the harder trials to overcome. I still feel quite sick at times. Thankfully it doesn't seem to linger. 

I have a lot to bee grateful for...that's what I am consumed with tonight. 

A new day; and a new week await! Bee better everyday! 

Today I Woke Up With This Thought...

Today I woke up with this one thought.

I need to find a place where I can allow my soul to heal.

I am pretty certain that I am going to need another surgery. I am in the "waiting phase" right now, and it seems at least to me that every day that goes by the leak is getting more and more consistent. I still try not to allow myself to accept that its still here. Ignorance is bliss right?

But my soul is in a weird place. I feel weak spiritually. How do I keep up the pace, when I am just scratching the bottom of the barrel? How do I prepare for the next steps of healing, and/or surgery when I feel like I have already given more than I have?

These questions have been heavy on my mind. I wake up everyday with the desire to give it my all. Everyday I find myself at a point where I am about to break; and then suddenly a facebook message, or a text from a friend comes through, and it motivates me to push through until I can climb into bed.

There is one thing that is certain. I would not have been able to endure the last 5 months, had it not been for the strong people around me. I have been blessed with some people that there are no words adequate enough to thank. I am grateful to God that he allows strong people to lift us when we need, I only hope I can repay that favor one day...

A lot of people have also been asking me more about what is wrong. Someone today said "But you look so healthy" almost as to dismiss that something might actually be going on...I had mixed feelings about that, because inside, I definitely do not feel healthy. It is crazy though, that a tiny hole, that is less than a centimeter could be so debilitating to me, and could be so hard for Doctors to fix...it just makes me believe there MUST be a reason for it all....and my job is just to be as strong as I can be, for as long as I can do it, and then my lesson will be learned while pushing through it.

This clear stuff in these tubes is CFS. Cerebral Spinal Fluid. This is stuff that they took out from a spinal tap I have had to test for Meningitis.

When I am old, and this trial is far behind me; I hope my sons, and their families will be able to say I did a good job, and that they were proud. THAT is my motivation. 

I hope me sharing this helps someone. It is really helping me to share....

Dusty 

The Beegining...

Hello! Thank you for stumbling upon my little spot on the web.

My name is Dusty Bee. I happen to be a guy who has a lot to live for, and one who has had his life change drastically in the last four months...my hope is that this can be a place for us, together to remember to bee HAPPY, regardless of the circumstances.

I am pretty average in most ways. In my opinion I would say that I have been blessed beyond that which I deserve. I have been mostly healthy throughout my life. I have been able to see a lot of great things, and have been blessed with a desire to work hard to see success. I have two little sons, who are in every way my reason for living. They along with my ability to see through the fog that comes in life as been a tremendous blessing.

I spent nearly all of 30 years of my life mostly stumbling along in this life. I had some really, really incredible days! I have had some days, and experiences that changed my life for sure. But honestly, most of them we're very special. In fact, I think I found myself losing the battle of finding the peace, and joy this life has to offer. Mostly though, I lost what this life is really about, it is about giving and not receiving. It is about how you can change the life of the person next to you, without them even knowing you did it.

"One small act of kindness in the way in which you can change the world" -Morgan Freeman

So...this is where my story begins...a day unlike any other...until suddenly I had to make a choice.

I am divorced. Not ideal, and certainly wasn't my plan, but it needed to happen. That was over two years ago. With that I make a drive to Logan, Utah often. Its a drive that is well worth the payoff. Two handsome, proud, stunningly happy, and amazingly smart little men live there with their mother.

On May 17th 2015, late in the evening after a long day of work, I got into my car and headed south to get my little dudes for a whole week of fun! We had plans to go to the zoo, the movies a few times, and to see all sorts of family! I had been looking forward to it for months! The boy's mom was heading to Cancun, and we wouldn't be interrupted on a boys week! As I drove down to pick them up, out of the blue I sneezed and coughed. Its something that's happened to me a few times...but this time was different. I felt and heard a loud POP in my head. I honestly didn't think anything of it, until I arrived finally in Logan, and my oldest son ran over to me with excitement! 

As I leaned over to pick up my little guy, fluid started to flow out of the left side of my nostril. A lot of fluid. I cupped my hand, and it over flowed. While at this moment it seems a little ridiculous, I didn't stop to think something could be wrong. I just washed my hands, and grabbed my little dudes to venture back home for our adventure. As the boys were fast asleep in the back of my pickup, the thought entered and left my mind as soon as it came, could there be a problem? 

A few days later, and after having several moments of nose fluid coming, I took my boys to their Doctor check up, and just as I picked one of them up, fluid started to come out again, this time in front of the Doctor. He tested the fluid; and suggested I go to the Emergency Room. This thought was insane to me, I was on vacation with my sons! Two little dudes under 4, we were not going to be going to any emergency room....or so I thought. The next night I woke up early in the morning with fluid all over my pillow, and a splitting headache. It was time to see what was wrong. 

The hardest part about reflecting on these moments that occurred over 5 months ago is remembering my handsome little sons that stood next to me, not knowing the seriousness of the moments, They still smiled, and laughed. They in all honesty will never know what it meant for me to have them there, to keep me sane. God works in mysterious ways. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be all along. 

After stopping in at my ENT who did my "routine" sinus surgery in February, we went to the hospital for a lumbar puncture, and then were supposed to be on our way home. The only problem was that there wasn't any cerebral spinal fluid for them to get. They quickly made me lay flat, and admitted me into the hosptial, and my sons left to go to my house with my Mom. It was THIS moment that was the hardest for me, I was tasked with keeping them safe, and suddenly I couldn't. Never again do I want to feel like I cant be there for them, when they need me. 

After a few days at our local hospital, it was decided that they would send me to the University of Utah Hospital for to see a specialist that could repair my CSF - Cerebral Spinal Fluid Leak. My mom, and best friend drove through the night to be by my side. The staff at U of U, and Dr. Orlandi embarked on my first 6 hour surgery. When I awoke from that procedure, it seemed like everything was going to be ok, and that within weeks I would be back to normal. It would be like nothing had ever happened. I think somehow, somewhere I knew this wasn't over. 

After a few days I was discharged, and I was able to return home. I felt off, and quite sick on that drive home. Something wasn't right. After coming home, I went right to my bed, and tried to continue to sleep. The next morning I woke up with a fever of 103, and was violently ill. My roommate, who in all honesty saved me in more ways than one during this period of time, again rushed me to the hospital. After another spinal tap it was confirmed that I had Viral Meningitis. They admitted me again to my local hospital, and then after a few days, I was taken back to the University of Utah, where they did test, after test, to figure out what was wrong with me...finally they found that my leak was still an issue. 

Another surgery, which failed as well went into the books. They were baffled. I still remember the feeling that overtook me, when my nationally recognized surgeon told me I was his worst case that he had seen in his 17 years. What?! I thought?! ME? You cant be serious. They ordered more tests, and talked to more Doctors, and agreed finally to perform another surgery. 

A week before this operation was supposed to happen, I had a pre-op appointment, and took this opportunity to take my little dudes to Hogle Zoo! This was an awesome trip, and while we waited for the appointment, I took my guys to the neighboring Primary Children's Hospital. I wanted them to see what it looked like for little kids to need, and we donated money! I hope to always teach them to give back, because again, it is in those moments I have found my truest happiness. 

I was nervous this time. They went in, and after an 8.5 hour surgery they thought they had fixed my leak! I was in the ICU for nearly 8 days! Have you ever heard of ICU delirium? I hadn't either, but its a thing. People often hallucinate in the ICU, and boy did I ever. This was the worst 8 days of my life. I think I had 3 hours of sleep in 5 days, and was a mess. It wasn't until in the midst of one of these episodes, that were also induced by all of the medications I was on...I was trying to save my sons from being kidnapped; one of the nurses told me to call, and see if they were ok, so I called, and they were. I was able to tell that they were fake, and FINALLY was able to sleep. In all seriousness this was the worst days of my life. I am writing this nearly a month later, and it still weighs heavy on my mind. A nurse who took extra time, and compassion for me is some one I will never forget. She didnt have too, but she choose to be my saving grace. Thank you Andi! 

The first 8 days after surgery there was NO LEAK! No taste! I was healed!! Not so lucky. The leak has progressively returned. The Doctors have given me strict instructions not to lift, and to take it easy; so that is what I am doing. I have a large part of my mind, and heart that want to cry! I want to crawl into a ball, and just cry! Its been a long, heavy summer of 2015. You may think its weird that I know these figures, but when its all you can do to keep your mind off the craziness you are living in...it is the only way! 

I have had 4 surgeries with 22 hours under anesthesia  

51 spinal taps

19 sinus infections 

29 days in the hospital

2 world renounced surgeons 

and I still have a CSF LEAK! 

Nothing is going to stop me from beating this. I have a reason to live. I have chosen to share this journey with my radio fans, and now on this page for one reason. I don't see many avenues around this world anymore promoting good, clean, and happy thoughts. There aren't many people who go around uplifting those around them. There aren't people teaching strength, and happiness. 

Even if I am the only person who does, which thankfully I am not, there are so many others who try to be a light for good, I will continue to try to turn my trials into strength, and inspiration for those around me. God gave me the ability to speak, and to be heard, I am going to use it to do what I can. There are those who believe I do so for attention, or to lift my own light. This is simply not the case, and it is my hope that they will see past this through my actions. 

One small step in the right direction is still progress....

Until tomorrow....

Dusty