Today has been quite a day. As I woke up I could feel it, physically today was going to be challenging. It was one of the worse days I have had in months. Sometimes it effects just my head, like headaches, and pressure that are hard to control, but go away as quick as I lay down. Today though my vision was quite blurry, and my whole body ached. Its hard I think because I expect so much of myself, and I always have. It is in some ways why I made it out of my childhood as good off as I did. Its hard too because I know people around me expect a lot out of me too, and that adds a lot of pressure, again mostly my own fault. I will learn to deal with this, as I am learning to deal with so much change in my life. I do know that when this trial is behind me, I will come out the other end a much better human being.
This message has been on my mind a little bit
tonight as I have thought about my life, and the issues that surround it. I do really agree with this quote. I think though if I am being open and honest with myself one of the biggest things that hold me back is my fear that nobody around me truly loves me the way that I love them. I come from a broken home, in every letter of the word. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was young. I wont go into too much detail but I didnt really get the love that I think a child should have, it was always about what they needed, and where they needed it. I babysat, and helped to raise my younger siblings, and didnt ever really feel like my Mom was there. With my Dad, it was never enough. The two times per year that I saw him, and he made sure everyone around me knew I wasn't planned, and he didn't want kids. My life is much better now, and my relationship with my parents is better. I use those experiences as fuel, and I know without any question I will be a better parent. Really that is the goal in this life I think. To give your offspring a better life than you had. While there are things that I wished were different with my family situation, I know that especially my mom worked really hard to make my life better than her youth, and for that I will always be grateful, and those are the memories I choose to remember!
I mention these things because it's so important to be real about your past, and your insecurities that hold you back. You need to know them better than you know anything. Knowing mine makes me grateful for the things I DO have, and the people that ARE in my life. We can't fix our life's issues in one swipe. They can be only changed one issue, and ine step at a time.
If you don't already; please be open at least to yourself about your insecurities.
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