The More REAL I Get...

As we are preparing for Christmas in our home...we have been extremely busy. I have been trying to overcome my new found short term memory struggles, and as such I feel like I am running around in circles. I believe that we all go through cycles in this life when we are trying to overcome a new trial, or a new change. At times we find ourselves in the area of struggle, or uncomfort. It has been the new normal for me as this last 18 months has played out...as each stage of my sickness has manifested itself, I have had to adjust, and at times the level of discomfort has been hard to deal, but we always find a way don't we? We may have to dig deep, and push to lengths that would try the strongest among us, but still find a way.

I may be the only one in the world that does this...but I have found myself finally getting in a quiet moment, and just literally breaking down. The chaos of life is at times brain melting isn't it? In a senerio when you are fighting for your life, or the basic principles of life, it becomes nearly impossible for anyone to understand, and yet we still find a way. We still don't allow ourselves to completely give up.

Since my first onset of sickness, to today, I increasingly get to a point when I am finally in a quiet safe place, I break down. I allow myself to show my truest emotions, and often cry. I allow all the walls of strength, or pride, to come crashing down, and tears fall! Normally I would run from that, or quickly wipe them away...but in these moments I have found that the more real I get with myself, the better I feel. I also allow myself to pray, out loud! I have a deep and open conversation with God! What a blessing it is to be able to be frank, and honest with such a man. I express my frustration and my anger that HE is allowing me to go through this, and then after it is all done, I re commit my relationship to him, and re build those walls that need to be standing to live a normal life. Some may read that, and think wow Dusty, your a wreak, or a weak man, or that I might need to rush to my nearest psychologist. But it is in THAT very thought that I believe contributes to depression, and the strong level of unhappiness that I see all around me in this life. LIFE is HARD. It is UNFAIR, and IT IS OK to be sad, and frustrated. It is ok to cry, and it is very much so ok to let it out, as long as afterward you can recommit your goals, and get to a place where you can keep pushing. 

It is IN THIS process that I have found gets me to my highest level of happiness in this life. I have to be ok with who I am. I am different, and that is a blessing! We aren't all supposed to be the same, look the same, and have the same reactions in this journey we call life....

My journey is different. It has been different from the day I was born, and will continue to be through out the rest of my journey. My goal is to make it balance out, and to be able to use my differences aka strengths to help those around me. To be a light, instead of the guy who rushes past you, and flips you off because you cut him off on the interstate. I have a long, long way to go....but I am going to get there. Even if it takes the rest of my life!

To the future my friends....