The last few weeks, there has been one thing thats been consistent. I have felt like I have been swirling in the land of disappointment, and frustration. I have bounced around from feeling ok, to being really frustrated. Logically I know that its just me trying to adjust to this new life. It is also me just trying to be ok with the circumstances I find myself in...but it isn't always easy to think logically.
But today was good because I kept positive. I kept my eye on the prize; aka being better. There were plenty of things that could have frustrated me, and pushed me over to the "agitated" side, but today I won, and it felt good. I think this life is about building a foundation of "good" bricks. When we all face a bad day, we learn to build around that, and keep building toward the places we want. Not all of us are able to do that though, certainly not everyone even cares. I do though, and want to be my best self at all times, mostly because I have two little dudes who depend on me to be that best self. I know that when I am able to be that person, their lives will be better.
I have them sleeping in the room next to mine. Tonight we watched Santa Clause with Tim Allen, and it is fun to watch it with them, as I can clearly remember being that young, and loving the magic of that show, and mostly the belief in Christmas. As we cuddled on the couch, yes we cuddle, and by cuddle I mean them laying next to me with their legs intertwined around me. They have to be touching me, and I love to have them near. I know these guys have been mine for much longer than this short life we live... But as we watched the movie Rustin leaned into me and said, Dad your breath stinks...I laughed so so hard! I can't smell anything, so I was embarrassed and had no idea. We both laughed, and I quickly brushed my teeth!
While going to get them in Logan, I finally stopped at my "spot" to get a picture. 18 months ago my life was changed in this very spot...and I am glad I am able to feel as good as I do today. Rustin also told me that he remembers when I got sick, and that he was being loud, and I snapped at him because he was hurting my head...when we talked about that tonight, I was feeling sad that he remembers my sickness so vividly, and I am sad that he remembers he made my head hurt more...I made sure he knew that it wasn't him that made me sick, and I took the opportunity to make sure he knew that I was sorry for snapping at him. I held him close, and told him how much I loved him. I never, ever had that from my father...I can't ever remember feeling loved and wanted by him, and it is clear to me that both of my kids need that from me. I haven't been able to do that in the ways I have wanted to in the last 18 months of being sick, but the beauty of life is that we get opportunities every single day to make the changes we need to make, and I am going to give all I have to make sure the little men I get to raise know they are loved, and that I will always stand beside them and be there...
Thank you for reading my ramblings...I hope it all makes sense. I never go back and read, or change because I want this to be real, and raw....until next time! Dusty
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