I am tired....

Happy Wednesday!

I have been thinking and really feeling something the last few months. Its something that I haven't really wanted to admit, or give too much of my attention to, because I learned a long time ago to ignore my problems, and try to press on...but at this stage in my life, I am learning that isn't the smart, or even the healthy thing to do anymore. Thankfully I have learned that lesson...as it has made my life easier...

The feeling is simple, and yet profound. I am tired. Thats it...that is the major thought that is controlling my mind. Its holding me back, and limiting me from being in my happy place...

I am tired? Yes. I am tired of a lot of things. I am tried of begin sick. I am tired of feeling alone. I am tired of having to try so hard to have a normal day. I am tired of being scared of the future. I am tired of fighting so hard to have people near me. I am tired of fighting to have a family near me. I am tired of feeling inadequate. I am tired of feeling like I should doubt my heart. I am tired of having to be so strong. I am tried of having to ask people to pay attention to my needs. I am tired of watching my mother suffer, and not getting the help she deserves. I am tired of feeling like my Dad is just a guy that never wanted me to be in his life. I am tried of feeling like I am not living up to the standard I should be with my kids. I am tired of having to be the bigger person. I am tired of being afraid to show certain parts of who I am. I am tired of loving others so hard, when I feel so much of the returned love is conditional.

Obviously not all of those make sense. I know some of them are just silly as well; but it goes to the point where I feel like I have had to fight so hard to be alive, and well this last year, that I just feel exhausted. I realize that I have come so far from this trial, and other trails that I quietly face, and to that end I am extremely grateful, but I am ready for a break. I feel like I need that I need something to come into my life that wants to be here, that chooses my whole heartedly, and who is willing to be next to me as I go through the storms that life plans to sent to me. I think that is another reason I feel like I do...I have had a lot of support this last 18 months, but I haven't been able to let down my walls and fully rely on someone to be there when I need them. Some of that is my fault, and my fears to let them down, and the others are that there just hasn't been someone who could fill in that role, and fully become all that I have needed them to be.

I will continue in spite of begin tired though. Even if I have to slow way down, and even take the smallest of baby steps each day, I will do that. I am just saying that my hope is that God has a plan that will allow me to go through the remainder of my trial, and have the ability to fully let someone in to be there, and choose me to the extent that I won't have to worry about whether or not I will be alone...

As always these are just my chaotic thoughts through my crazy life, especially today as I set up my next Neurosurgery appointment today, and fear what 2017 will bring. I am begin open and vulnerable with my real thoughts in the hopes that it helps you steer through this life a little more clearly, and realize that you are not alone in your struggles...

We can do hard things. I am proof of that, and so are you!

Goodnight!