Today I Woke Up With This Thought...

Today I woke up with this one thought.

I need to find a place where I can allow my soul to heal.

I am pretty certain that I am going to need another surgery. I am in the "waiting phase" right now, and it seems at least to me that every day that goes by the leak is getting more and more consistent. I still try not to allow myself to accept that its still here. Ignorance is bliss right?

But my soul is in a weird place. I feel weak spiritually. How do I keep up the pace, when I am just scratching the bottom of the barrel? How do I prepare for the next steps of healing, and/or surgery when I feel like I have already given more than I have?

These questions have been heavy on my mind. I wake up everyday with the desire to give it my all. Everyday I find myself at a point where I am about to break; and then suddenly a facebook message, or a text from a friend comes through, and it motivates me to push through until I can climb into bed.

There is one thing that is certain. I would not have been able to endure the last 5 months, had it not been for the strong people around me. I have been blessed with some people that there are no words adequate enough to thank. I am grateful to God that he allows strong people to lift us when we need, I only hope I can repay that favor one day...

A lot of people have also been asking me more about what is wrong. Someone today said "But you look so healthy" almost as to dismiss that something might actually be going on...I had mixed feelings about that, because inside, I definitely do not feel healthy. It is crazy though, that a tiny hole, that is less than a centimeter could be so debilitating to me, and could be so hard for Doctors to fix...it just makes me believe there MUST be a reason for it all....and my job is just to be as strong as I can be, for as long as I can do it, and then my lesson will be learned while pushing through it.

This clear stuff in these tubes is CFS. Cerebral Spinal Fluid. This is stuff that they took out from a spinal tap I have had to test for Meningitis.

When I am old, and this trial is far behind me; I hope my sons, and their families will be able to say I did a good job, and that they were proud. THAT is my motivation. 

I hope me sharing this helps someone. It is really helping me to share....

Dusty